Candles and Rummicub over dinner

I think I'll just start with today, otherwise I don't know where to start.

My current liminal space was injected with a splash of hope today.  My daughter decided that we should have a candlelight picnic on our lounge floor and play Rummicub over dinner.  My husband thought his 45 year old knees wouldn't manage, but we did.  Thank you my sweet thing for your sense of occasion.  When the space feels nowhere, I find it difficult to be making the most of life.  I keep waiting for the next thing to happen, but it doesn't.  We need to do today.

I work. I love working.  I love working hard.  This space seems so hard.  In my past life (although I don't believe in reincarnation), I have always worked hard.  That's how you got ahead, that's where I got my recognition from.  That's how you make money.  You don't get wealthy from doing nothing, says the critic on my shoulder.  But if I look back at the last 25 years.  I have worked really hard and made very little money.  When all my friends were buying designer outfits, I was making my own or trawling factory shops, Okay I admit, it was sometimes by choice, simplicity and all that.

So now we've launched a new business, I've changed career paths, I should be working hard to make it happen.  But I can't.

I'm currently reading a fascinating book - women, food and god by Geneen Roth.  It's the unexpected path to almost everything.  I'm finding everything!

Tonight I was reading about Restrictors and Permitters.  We're either one or the other.  You can't opt out.  Obviously her reference is to food, but I realised tonight that I'm a Restrictor on all fronts.  "Restrictor's believe in control.  Of themselves, their food intake, their environments.  Wherever possible, they'd also like to control the entire world".  I create worries for myself if I can't find something to control.

"For a Restrictor, deprivation is comforting because it provides a sense of control".  I've been anorexic and bulemic, so I know this to be true.

My husband is a Permitter.  Any kind of rules are abhorrent.  "They see no point in trying to control the uncontrollable, and have decided that its best to be blurry and numb and join the party.  Have a good time.

I think I have to work hard for both of us.

My husband made a lot of money two years ago and now it's all gone.  I feel ashamed, disappointed, fearful and embarrassed. We should have done it differently.  So even in my abundance I am a Restrictor.

I am privileged to be with a spiritual director, who I spend time with regularly.  She's encouraging me at the moment to look past the situation and to see what God is putting his finger on in my life.  I'm finding this hard.  I'm a Restrictor, I want to be in control and I can't be in control of the situation.

So at the moment all I can do is to humbly submit to Step 2 of the 12 Step programme - We came to believe that  Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.