Being content in all situations

Pious christians often toss this out when things aren't quite as they seem.  I've probably done some tossing in my time.
Now I'm struggling to be content despite a good marriage, incredible daughter, a move to a simple lifestyle, a cottage over looking the sea, today taken care of, friends who know and love me.  I have an inkling it has something to do with the 'good works that Christ has prepared in advance for me to do'.  I don't know what they are which makes contentment a struggle, for me.
One of the invitations is to identify and hold my boundaries.  What are the things I am going to do over the holiday season that I want to build and guard? Regular exercise, contemplation, creativity, meaningful friendship time, making time to seek the 'good works'.  If I know my 'good works', nurture them, honour them, perhaps I will invite contentment.

Do I need to do this undercover

I started this blog a few months ago as things seemed to be tough and I felt as if I wanted to rev and rave and not be recognised as the odd women in the supermarket having a rant.  Things don't seem so tough anymore and I wonder whether I should return to my other blog.  The funny thing is no one reads this anyway, so it doesn't matter.

I worked with a client today, asking them about yesterday and what their ideal day would be if they could be in charge of it tomorrow.  In my own reflection, I realised that I lived an ideal day today.

I sent my daughter off to school, walked the dog along the beach to our local tidal pool; joined the locals in a couple of lengths; had a coffee (not the best, but a coffee anyway); sat on my porch and finished reading an incredible book by Niall Williams - Boy and Man; was overwhelmed by the connectedness of God in all our lives; worked with a client who had some revelations about her 'stuckness'; took the train to fetch my daughter to school (which started off as an adventure, but ended up being a 2 hour hack - only to be used in moments of emergency!); had a glass of wine and dinner on the porch overlooking Kalk Bay harbour.

Daily thanks

Today was a good day. I have much to be grateful for.
A friend and I decided to have a meeting in God's office and sat by the edge of a river in the shade while our girls paddled, caught tadpoles and snacked with enthusiasm.  It was a good day at the office.
Another friend was hi-jacked (which is not what I'm grateful for), but I'm grateful for his friends who rallied round to provide phones, cars, lifts, support, friendship.
I put aside my mac, which I do very reluctantly during work hours, and played cards with my daughter, watered my vege garden and had tea.
I ate sweet mange tout straight off the vine.
Today was a good day.

Today was a good day

I took my daughter for an extended picnic, played stuck in the mud with her and a friend and just did 'mom' stuff.  No pressure to work, earn any cash, tidy the house or any middle class suburbia stuff.

We're moving at the end of the month - to Kalk Bay.  All my insecurities that are supported by middle-class suburbia are raised.  Commuting, being away from my community, living in an eclectic village.  My delights though are the view of the harbour from the porch and office, the view of the mountain from the back yard; coffee and almond croissants at the Olympia Bakery; our boat 'garaged' right in the harbour mouth, just across the street; community all tucked up together in this beautiful little bay, fringed by bobbing fishing boats.

When we get something that we have been longing for, why do we wonder about it and question the gift?

Candles and Rummicub over dinner

I think I'll just start with today, otherwise I don't know where to start.

My current liminal space was injected with a splash of hope today.  My daughter decided that we should have a candlelight picnic on our lounge floor and play Rummicub over dinner.  My husband thought his 45 year old knees wouldn't manage, but we did.  Thank you my sweet thing for your sense of occasion.  When the space feels nowhere, I find it difficult to be making the most of life.  I keep waiting for the next thing to happen, but it doesn't.  We need to do today.

I work. I love working.  I love working hard.  This space seems so hard.  In my past life (although I don't believe in reincarnation), I have always worked hard.  That's how you got ahead, that's where I got my recognition from.  That's how you make money.  You don't get wealthy from doing nothing, says the critic on my shoulder.  But if I look back at the last 25 years.  I have worked really hard and made very little money.  When all my friends were buying designer outfits, I was making my own or trawling factory shops, Okay I admit, it was sometimes by choice, simplicity and all that.

So now we've launched a new business, I've changed career paths, I should be working hard to make it happen.  But I can't.

I'm currently reading a fascinating book - women, food and god by Geneen Roth.  It's the unexpected path to almost everything.  I'm finding everything!

Tonight I was reading about Restrictors and Permitters.  We're either one or the other.  You can't opt out.  Obviously her reference is to food, but I realised tonight that I'm a Restrictor on all fronts.  "Restrictor's believe in control.  Of themselves, their food intake, their environments.  Wherever possible, they'd also like to control the entire world".  I create worries for myself if I can't find something to control.

"For a Restrictor, deprivation is comforting because it provides a sense of control".  I've been anorexic and bulemic, so I know this to be true.

My husband is a Permitter.  Any kind of rules are abhorrent.  "They see no point in trying to control the uncontrollable, and have decided that its best to be blurry and numb and join the party.  Have a good time.

I think I have to work hard for both of us.

My husband made a lot of money two years ago and now it's all gone.  I feel ashamed, disappointed, fearful and embarrassed. We should have done it differently.  So even in my abundance I am a Restrictor.

I am privileged to be with a spiritual director, who I spend time with regularly.  She's encouraging me at the moment to look past the situation and to see what God is putting his finger on in my life.  I'm finding this hard.  I'm a Restrictor, I want to be in control and I can't be in control of the situation.

So at the moment all I can do is to humbly submit to Step 2 of the 12 Step programme - We came to believe that  Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.