Being content in all situations

Pious christians often toss this out when things aren't quite as they seem.  I've probably done some tossing in my time.
Now I'm struggling to be content despite a good marriage, incredible daughter, a move to a simple lifestyle, a cottage over looking the sea, today taken care of, friends who know and love me.  I have an inkling it has something to do with the 'good works that Christ has prepared in advance for me to do'.  I don't know what they are which makes contentment a struggle, for me.
One of the invitations is to identify and hold my boundaries.  What are the things I am going to do over the holiday season that I want to build and guard? Regular exercise, contemplation, creativity, meaningful friendship time, making time to seek the 'good works'.  If I know my 'good works', nurture them, honour them, perhaps I will invite contentment.

Do I need to do this undercover

I started this blog a few months ago as things seemed to be tough and I felt as if I wanted to rev and rave and not be recognised as the odd women in the supermarket having a rant.  Things don't seem so tough anymore and I wonder whether I should return to my other blog.  The funny thing is no one reads this anyway, so it doesn't matter.

I worked with a client today, asking them about yesterday and what their ideal day would be if they could be in charge of it tomorrow.  In my own reflection, I realised that I lived an ideal day today.

I sent my daughter off to school, walked the dog along the beach to our local tidal pool; joined the locals in a couple of lengths; had a coffee (not the best, but a coffee anyway); sat on my porch and finished reading an incredible book by Niall Williams - Boy and Man; was overwhelmed by the connectedness of God in all our lives; worked with a client who had some revelations about her 'stuckness'; took the train to fetch my daughter to school (which started off as an adventure, but ended up being a 2 hour hack - only to be used in moments of emergency!); had a glass of wine and dinner on the porch overlooking Kalk Bay harbour.

Why am I surprised?

I've been engaging the Lord around my circumstances.  Over a period of two years, my husband and I have earned a lot of money.  And spent it. Squandered it, some would say, but not on ourselves.  But generosity doesn't make any difference, there is nothing left.
I've been examining the emotions, fears, shame that are being exposed in this season.  I've been wondering about provision and wondering why it is being withheld.
A pitched on some work about two months ago and had a meeting today about the project.  As the client told me they would have to hold it off until Feb 2012, my heart sunk thinking, there goes some possible income, when the client said: "please bill me a chunk and get working".  I was gobsmacked, yet why?  I love the way God delivers surprises that remind me I am not in control.

Candles and Rummicub over dinner

I think I'll just start with today, otherwise I don't know where to start.

My current liminal space was injected with a splash of hope today.  My daughter decided that we should have a candlelight picnic on our lounge floor and play Rummicub over dinner.  My husband thought his 45 year old knees wouldn't manage, but we did.  Thank you my sweet thing for your sense of occasion.  When the space feels nowhere, I find it difficult to be making the most of life.  I keep waiting for the next thing to happen, but it doesn't.  We need to do today.

I work. I love working.  I love working hard.  This space seems so hard.  In my past life (although I don't believe in reincarnation), I have always worked hard.  That's how you got ahead, that's where I got my recognition from.  That's how you make money.  You don't get wealthy from doing nothing, says the critic on my shoulder.  But if I look back at the last 25 years.  I have worked really hard and made very little money.  When all my friends were buying designer outfits, I was making my own or trawling factory shops, Okay I admit, it was sometimes by choice, simplicity and all that.

So now we've launched a new business, I've changed career paths, I should be working hard to make it happen.  But I can't.

I'm currently reading a fascinating book - women, food and god by Geneen Roth.  It's the unexpected path to almost everything.  I'm finding everything!

Tonight I was reading about Restrictors and Permitters.  We're either one or the other.  You can't opt out.  Obviously her reference is to food, but I realised tonight that I'm a Restrictor on all fronts.  "Restrictor's believe in control.  Of themselves, their food intake, their environments.  Wherever possible, they'd also like to control the entire world".  I create worries for myself if I can't find something to control.

"For a Restrictor, deprivation is comforting because it provides a sense of control".  I've been anorexic and bulemic, so I know this to be true.

My husband is a Permitter.  Any kind of rules are abhorrent.  "They see no point in trying to control the uncontrollable, and have decided that its best to be blurry and numb and join the party.  Have a good time.

I think I have to work hard for both of us.

My husband made a lot of money two years ago and now it's all gone.  I feel ashamed, disappointed, fearful and embarrassed. We should have done it differently.  So even in my abundance I am a Restrictor.

I am privileged to be with a spiritual director, who I spend time with regularly.  She's encouraging me at the moment to look past the situation and to see what God is putting his finger on in my life.  I'm finding this hard.  I'm a Restrictor, I want to be in control and I can't be in control of the situation.

So at the moment all I can do is to humbly submit to Step 2 of the 12 Step programme - We came to believe that  Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.