A long walk home

I walked a long way today, as usual motivated by my romantic notions.  I took the train to Muizenberg to walk with a friend.  The morning was gorgeous, despite the pressing Southeaster blowing in across the bay.

We drank lots of coffee, talked a lot and then I headed off to catch the train home.  I saw it pulling into the station as I left the coffee shop.  I hitched up my skirt (if I'd been wearing one) and hurtled towards the railway line.  I can only imagine the sight, thank goodness I'm not loading any pictures of that one!

Anyway missed the 10:20 by miles and decided to walk home as I was too impatient to wait for the 11:20, so I had another 30 minute walk, this time in the other direction. I did this with joy as the Southeaster whipped the words of my soprano part of the Taize song Bless the Lord, out of my mouth and tossed them at the clouds.

Bikini order

It's strange how things seem to have shifted.  I said to my mentor today that my conversations with her over the last few months have kept my head above water.  Kept me from drowning.  Today I thought, what do I talk about?
Just an example of how God seems to be taking care of the small stuff (and not so small stuff).  Yesterday morning after my customary swim in the local tidal pool (weather permitting or not, today was a not day and I got in), I thought, Lord I swim every day I'd love another another costume when the time is right.  My sister in law visited me later in the day with five costumes in hand.  God, I said one was okay, but you thought I needed more than that.  Thank you for nurturing me and noticing the things about myself that I don't notice.

Do I need to do this undercover

I started this blog a few months ago as things seemed to be tough and I felt as if I wanted to rev and rave and not be recognised as the odd women in the supermarket having a rant.  Things don't seem so tough anymore and I wonder whether I should return to my other blog.  The funny thing is no one reads this anyway, so it doesn't matter.

I worked with a client today, asking them about yesterday and what their ideal day would be if they could be in charge of it tomorrow.  In my own reflection, I realised that I lived an ideal day today.

I sent my daughter off to school, walked the dog along the beach to our local tidal pool; joined the locals in a couple of lengths; had a coffee (not the best, but a coffee anyway); sat on my porch and finished reading an incredible book by Niall Williams - Boy and Man; was overwhelmed by the connectedness of God in all our lives; worked with a client who had some revelations about her 'stuckness'; took the train to fetch my daughter to school (which started off as an adventure, but ended up being a 2 hour hack - only to be used in moments of emergency!); had a glass of wine and dinner on the porch overlooking Kalk Bay harbour.

Why am I surprised?

I've been engaging the Lord around my circumstances.  Over a period of two years, my husband and I have earned a lot of money.  And spent it. Squandered it, some would say, but not on ourselves.  But generosity doesn't make any difference, there is nothing left.
I've been examining the emotions, fears, shame that are being exposed in this season.  I've been wondering about provision and wondering why it is being withheld.
A pitched on some work about two months ago and had a meeting today about the project.  As the client told me they would have to hold it off until Feb 2012, my heart sunk thinking, there goes some possible income, when the client said: "please bill me a chunk and get working".  I was gobsmacked, yet why?  I love the way God delivers surprises that remind me I am not in control.

Changing my bra size

I had a giggle this week when I imagined change being like growing breasts.  To leap from being flat-chested to an under-wire, full-support bra is pretty impractical and uncomfortable.  We need a training bra to bridge the gap.
I seem to be beset by change on all sides - I'm moving house, no longer have full-time domestic help, have no income generating work and am teetering on the edge of midlife, I could grasp for an over-shoulder boulder holder to try and keep my change in check, but rather I want to reach for a training bra.
A training bra - gives me the assurance of knowing the season; hints that I'm moving to the authentic me; I have no control over the blossoming breasts, but provide a safe space for their development;  it's a boundary; suggests the beauty of something ahead.

I told my mother-in-law off today

I had a dream earlier in the week about being robbed and the person putting some kind of putty stuff on my throat and I was unable to call for help or wake up my husband who was sleeping nearby oblivious.

I won't go into the gory details, but a mentor and confidente said to be grateful for the gift of dreams, one of God's ways of being in touch with us.  "Be thankful for this season of finding your voice".  So I did just that today and told my mother-in-law off, which I've never done before.  I'm not sure who was more surprised, her or me!

I can't understand this place I am in:  don't like my brittle temper;  am embarrassed by tears that seem to be lurking high above sea level;  am fearful of our looming move....  My life seems in turmoil, yet I seem to have so much insight, patience and grace for clients and friends.  Today I asked two people how they were being kind to themselves.  Do I need to be asking that question of myself.

Why does life seem to be so murky?  I'm trying to discern the strands of peri-menopause, financial pressure, purpose, God's invitations, fear.  What could be my next response? Solitude and solace. Placedo, finding the home of our soul according to Dr Clarissa Pinka Estes, storyteller extraordinaire.

What about our expectations?

At the moment, most of my work efforts seem to be coming to nought, so today I sat and thought about my life.  One of my realisations was my expectations.  I threw a few toys and told my husband I had expectations for provision, significance, adventure, fun, fitting in.  He smiled and bought me a watering can! What if these expectations can't be met?

So now if I review our situation - I'm trusting to find my 'Flower Shop' (for another post); we have everything we need; I might have to clean my own house, but so do millions of other people around the world;  I'm looking to see what I can do in the small.

This reviewing was done after a good Americano in a nursery cum coffee shop, where I drooled over spring flowers and eclectic styling.  I left in a far better frame of mind and was able to tick a few things off my list.